HOW MOMSBLOOM WAS BORN

Sara Binkley-Tow with her children

 

Today we celebrate all kinds of new and expectant moms. For the first time, Sara Binkley-Tow, Executive Director and Co-Founder of MomsBloom, writes about her experience with postpartum depression.  MomsBloom believes everyone is deserving of support regardless if they suffer from postpartum depression or a related illness. Emotional and physical support for all new moms is greatly lacking in our society and is why MomsBloom was created.

Warning: If you are currently struggling with PPD, the story below may be a trigger, so proceed with caution.

Sara’s Story

“When my daughter Samantha was born, I didn’t feel the love or euphoria everyone talked about, so within seconds of her birth – I questioned my abilities as a mother.”

I attended the birthing classes, I read parenting books until my eyes bugged out, I spent hours painting and shopping for the baby’s room, but in the end I was not prepared for what I encountered the days, weeks and months following her birth. My weepiness and exhaustion quickly turned into feelings of hopelessness, guilt and disconnection from everything around me. Things I once enjoyed became muted and I walked in a world of haze. Breastfeeding was a miserable chore and only added to my feelings of insecurities and guilt. Why couldn’t I handle it? Why didn’t I feel the joy that so many new moms talked about? I continued to spiral downward and soon the intrusive thoughts began. I avoided walking by our open basement stairs because of the images of me tossing her down to the bottom became too difficult to bear.  I refused to turn on the ceiling fan in her room for fear that she would become entangled in the blades by my own two hands.  I was told to sleep, but restful sleep would never come. The anxiety I endured became a noose around my neck and I found myself gasping for air while I became obsessed with the breath of my daughter, checking on her numerous times each night. I lost enjoyment in food, and would often forget to eat. My weight dropped quickly while friends and strangers praised me for losing the baby weight so fast, but it was only a physical sign of the darkness I hid inside. Out of fear of judgment, I told no one about how I was feeling, not even my husband.

I wish I would have known that this was all unnecessary – that what I was experiencing was postpartum depression, the number one complication of childbirth. I wish I would have reached out and shared my thoughts with a trusted friend or doctor. I wish I could have that time back, even for a moment - to hold my baby girl in my arms and tell my insecure self that everything was going to be ok. I wish I would have known how strong my love for her would grow…I wouldn’t have been so afraid.

When I do talks with groups around town, I often share how I felt robbed of those early years. It became the driving force behind why I co-founded MomsBloom. I decided long ago that I didn’t want another mom or family to go through what I did. In 2006, when I began researching the idea of MomsBloom, I had no idea that the journey I was about to enter was going to be so difficult. I often feel it’s an uphill battle fighting against the misinformation and stigmas that exist around motherhood and postpartum and anxiety disorders. Generational beliefs that women should “go it alone” have created the image of the fictional “super mom” that cannot and will not ever exist. I’ve heard too often from individuals in religious communities preaching that a mom or dad is suffering because their faith is not strong enough. I witness news stories and groups spreading myths that postpartum depression is somehow the mom’s fault or that women with postpartum depression will hurt their kids.

This all adds to the stigma that exists and that prevents people from getting help. I wish it would stop, but I won’t stop fighting. Will you join me in the fight? Feel free to leave a comment below or contact bloom@momsbloom.org or call 616-828-1021 for more information.

Bloom on. ~Sara